The word mentor is Greek in origin. It refers to a character in The Odyssey, a friend of Odysseus who offers counsel to his son during the father’s long absence upon the sea. But the sage Mentor is actually Athena in disguise, the goddess of war and wisdom who guides and sustains Odysseus through his journey. A mentor, therefore, is a wisdom guide.
The mentors of literature are always wanderers. They have traveled, they understand the ways of the road, they have traversed their own circuitous paths in the desert. They have experience, hardscrabble wisdom, clarity, a history of grappling and reaching and searching. Of having faced up to it – whatever it is.
Adolescence is typically the most pivotal phase of a person’s life. We decide, often without recognizing it, our trajectory into the world. And how we enter is how we go on. Adolescence is the first tentative step forward, the juncture at which we establish our speed and direction and even our purpose. The character of our movement is defined. And that character is shaped by mentorship more than by any other force. The mentor might be a parent, or grandparent, or friend, or coach – it doesn’t matter much. But it must be someone whose temperament coaxes from us our better nature.
Without mentorship a child becomes a wanderer in a strange country.
At an indistinct age – fourteen, fifteen, perhaps as late as seventeen – most kids seek mentors and guides who are not parental. The horizons of adolescence open and the child enters a wider world. Historically, grandparents have been the ushers and guides of kids at this delicate stage. But in the modern age grandparents are often absent, or disconnected from the child’s reality. In the wake of such absence, and without alternate mentoring provided by school teachers or coaches or spiritual leaders in the community, teens turn to one another. Sometimes they form a youth gang and choose the most vicious among them to be their mentor and guide. And the first thing such mentors wish to do is get high.
It might be possible for the current generation of mentors to change the pattern of adolescent alienation and drug use. The kids cannot do it themselves. But mentors (and parents, of course) possibly could: by staying in touch with the emotional lives of children, by being available, by confronting and talking about the legacies of addiction that have been passed down from our own parents. The mentor, perhaps more than any other social role, is in a unique position to influence, in fundamental and lasting ways, the entire lifespan of a developing child. This is a sacred trust, a gift of engagement offered to us by the generous spirit of childhood.
The mentor’s task is to witness, to trust in the spirit of healing, to offer honesty and compassion. And to offer it to the defiant, the truculent, the dismissive, the unready and the unsteady in equal measure. Nothing less.
In the oldest Egyptian tombs and temples that have been unearthed, in rooms festooned with hieroglyphics, in texts that lay undeciphered for five thousand years, one may read of an ancient god who is the bringer of knowledge and of illumination. He is the mythological ancestor of Merlin, of Gandalf, and of the many guides and mentors who populate the old tales of every culture. He is the original storyteller, the inventor of writing, the trickster and wayfinder. His name is Thoth. The Greeks called him Hermes. He illuminates the labyrinths, the lost and switchbacking tunnels, and he is keeper of the great and hidden library.
Mentors today assume the storied mantle of the wayfinder.
Early in their lives, from about birth to age twelve, children pass through roughly seven stages of development. These stages have to do with themes such as belonging, trust, safety, empowerment, self-expression, and so on. Typically, some of these stages go well for the child whereas others are more difficult. If a given stage is difficult, the child may not fully learn the psychological tasks of that stage. For example, a child who experiences significant illness in the first year of life is more likely to feel anxiety about need fulfillment than another child who does not have the same experience. (This is because need fulfillment is the theme of roughly the first year, and problems during that year tend to impact that particular theme.)
Everyone is shaped by these developmental stages. In fact, these stages are the single most important factor in determining a person’s character. This is the essential basis of modern psychology, and it’s an idea supported by enough research – a mountain of research – as to be beyond dispute. Essentially, our basic character is formed by the time we are four years old. But our childhood development never unfolds perfectly. Everyone undergoes developmental themes that are less than ideal. When this happens, the child gets through the stage and moves on to the next one. The stage is left unfinished and the theme is incomplete. Children cannot afford to get stuck in one stage too long, so they leave unfinished themes behind and try to catch up with them later.
Adolescence (which now spans from about age 9 to about age 32) is the developmental phase of catching up with and resolving unfinished themes. Starting around age nine – with a process known as brain pruning – children begin to revisit the unfinished themes of their earlier development. (They do this unconsciously, but it manifests as rapid mood cycling.) Because their parents typically are too invested in the child’s future and too biased toward particular outcomes, children often find that their parents are not so good at supporting them through this stage. So, children seek mentors.
A mentor is someone who can assist a child to complete their unfinished childhood themes and to further develop their character. After parenting, it is the most important role a human being can undertake (despite the low status it earns). A good mentor encourages a child to feel safe, to take appropriate risks, to express whatever remains unexpressed. Mentorship does not have to be a long-term intervention. A child can undergo a transformative experience in a single meeting with a good mentor. One outstanding experience is enough to complete the learning for an entire unfinished developmental stage.
Mentoring requires immense sensitivity and interpersonal skill. Just as a good mentor can profoundly influence a child, so can a poor one. An inappropriate mentorship experience can severely damage the psychological development of a child. Mentorship is a trust, a role that is profound and powerful.
The nervous system possess habits of consciousness and action. These are developmental, and might be (somewhat arbitrarily) grouped under four themes:
These imprints are learned in the first few years of life. They control a great deal of our behavior, emotion, and consciousness. The developmental features associated with the nervous system are among the most exhaustively researched aspects of psychology (especially with regard to trauma).
During the first four phases of childhood development, the four states of the nervous system are imprinted and tuned. This happens by way of parenting, immersion in the environment, genetic predisposition, and various other factors (some of which are still unknown).
A note to the research-minded: Since about 1900, the field of research into human development has evolved into a highly complex arena with many models, structures, and themes. For the purposes of this document, I use a model of development based on the Bodynamic system, which is a synthesis of various other models. This model, as with all others, is only one perspective and is subject to the strengths and limitations of all models. It is a map and not the territory.
The correlations between nervous system states, addictions, and developmental stages are my own contribution (and are based on clinical experience).
Belonging
Flight response is correlated with belonging (roughly from birth to one month). If an individual does not experience a sense of belonging, he or she will withdraw (psychologically and physically), and will seek ways of adapting through imagination and inner resourcing. (Cold hands and feet are one symptom of this withdrawal, as is adolescent cutting.) In adolescence, this adaptive mechanism makes such individuals prone to hallucinogen addiction, addiction to the imagination, and addiction to the technologies of fantasy.
Need Fulfilment
Freeze response is correlated with need fulfilment (roughly one month to eight months). If an individual is abused or neglected during this period (any period, really), he or she will adapt by surrendering needs or fixating on specific needs (such as food). Surrender and fixation are two aspects of nervous system freezing. Surrender and fixation are two aspects of opiate addictions, which are developmentally predisposed during this period of development. If individuals with lingering vulnerabilities from this stage go on to develop technology addictions in adolescence, those addictions will be focused toward online shopping, text messaging, image viewing (e.g. pornography) and television watching.
Autonomy
The developmental stage of negotiating the relationship between self and other (which occupies the period roughly from 8 months to 1.5 years) involves significant milestones of movement, exploration, personal challenge, and orienting. If an individual does not receive balanced imprinting at this stage, he or she will tend to become hyper-vigilant and hyperactive (not all hyperactivity is derived from this stage, however). One symptom of this adaptation is a craving for excitement and newness. If such individuals go on to develop addictions in adolescence, those addictions are more likely to involve stimulants. If the addictions involve technology, the individual will likely be drawn to stimulating video games, online gambling, and extreme immersive environments.
Will and Power
Between two and four years of age, individuals negotiate their relationship to their own power. It has been well-established that domestic violence and corporal punishment at this age are highly correlated with developmental and lifespan difficulties. Such difficulties are not only psychological: the risk of adolescent and adult obesity is increased (by fifty per cent) by the experience of childhood neglect. The fight response is developed and tuned at this stage. For those who will develop addictions in adolescence, the experience of neglect and abuse of power in childhood creates the predisposition toward alcoholism. This is why the rates of alcoholism are so high in war-torn countries and in cultures where cultural power has been destroyed. In terms of technology addictions, such predispositions are likely to involve addictions to video games involving fighting.
The Link to Adolescent Addictions
Addiction involves uncompleted impulses and fractured imprinting typically derived from childhood experience (this is not universally the case, but is almost universally the case). The nature of the addiction involves the way in which the addiction completes, temporarily, the unfinished imprinting:
The more childhood difficulty an individual experiences, the more likely the individual is to seek multiple addictions in adolescence.
A Note on Predisposition
Adolescence begins with the brain pruning stage at roughly age eleven and continues until the end of the twenties (for the youth of today). This long period of development involves the integration of previous developmental stages in which the environment is the primary influence (parenting, peers, family, and so on). Incomplete or fragmented childhood imprinting re-emerges as adolescent psychological difficulty. Addiction is one method of easing the stress of such unfinished imprinting – by completing it temporarily. (Another method involves cultural inclusion and group formation; more on these later). In this context, predispositions (such as genetic predispositions) exert a small influence (perhaps ten per cent).
The only way for an adolescent to develop integration, containment, and identity is through mentorship. The impulse of kids to form groups is healthy. In evolutionary terms, groups of young people seek leadership from adult mentors. In the absence of healthy adult mentors, adolescents form a youth gang, which comes to be led by the adolescent among them who is most aggressive, gregarious, or risk-prone. The absence of mentorship for adolescents is the most serious problem in our society today. Absence of mentorship is a primary cause of the addictions problem among both youth and adults, the suicide problem among youth, the homelessness problem in youth and adults, and the depression and anxiety problem of many people.
A mentor is someone who can assist a child to complete their unfinished childhood themes and to further develop their character. After parenting, it is the most important role a human being can undertake (despite the low status it earns). A good mentor encourages an adolescent (or child) to feel safe, to take appropriate risks, to express whatever remains unexpressed. Mentorship does not have to be a long-term intervention. An adolescent can undergo a transformative experience in a single meeting with a good mentor. One outstanding experience is enough to complete the learning for an entire unfinished developmental stage. (This is a possible but not common experience.)
Mentoring requires immense sensitivity and interpersonal skill. Just as a good mentor can profoundly influence a child or adolescent, so can a poor one. An inappropriate mentorship experience can severely damage the psychological development of a child. Mentorship is a trust, a role that is profound and powerful. It is a gift offered to us by children. Usually, parents cannot fulfill the mentorship role, which requires a balance of deep caring and emotional neutrality. Parents possess deep caring, but they cannot be neutral about the choices their children make.
We live within a scientific context that is almost completely brain-centered. In many ways, our hyper-focus on the brain allows us to forget that the brain is only part of the larger nervous system, which in turn is part of the body-mind. Body and mind, as research consistently affirms, cannot be separated. And healthy development, of course, involves the entire body-mind.
One of the ways to simplify the immense complexities of the body-mind system is to use terminologies of the nervous system. These in turn can be grouped into mentorship roles:
Mentorship involves both physical and psychological work. The nervous system of the developing adolescent must be addressed on a physical level, through activity, as well as on an interpersonal level.
The essential goal of mentorship is twofold: To assist children and youth in completing the incomplete or fragmented nervous system imprinting from childhood, and to assist them in expanding their range of choice of action through recognizing and broadening nervous system habits (for example, many fighters need to learn how to freeze or flee, many freezers need to fight or flee, and many fleers need to freeze or fight.)
Flight Response Mentorship
Freeze Response Mentorship
Orienting Response Mentorship
Fight Response Mentorship
Psychological Mentorship
Working on the psychological level, a good mentor helps the adolescent to explore such themes as:
Therapeutic Mentorship
Social services practitioners, teachers, coaches, and others often fulfil mentorship roles. For adolescents, such mentorship requires the following types of communication from the mentor:
An argument can be made that most psychological difficulties and many disabilities are caused by, or associated with, trauma (addictions are probably the best example, with depression a close second). An effective mentor must be aware of this and respond appropriately.
Trauma occurs when stress exceeds an individual’s containment capacity. Physiological (i.e. emotional) energy breaks through the emotional containment of the self and splits off to create what is sometimes called the trauma vortex(a kind of swirling mass of emotional chaos). Incomplete responses to the traumatic situation (fight, flee, freeze, orient) are locked in the trauma vortex and contribute to the continued erosion of containment. Subsequent traumas are evoked by and contribute to these frozen response patterns.
In the work of trauma healing, energy is slowly reclaimed from the trauma vortex and reintroduced to a newly-stabilized container (by way of careful titration). This requires the completion of locked response patterns and the development of new adaptations for dealing with similarly stressful situations. This sequence follows the evolutionary imperative toward healing.
Healthy containment involves the development of core relational, consciousness, and body awareness skills. These include grounding, centering, and boundaries. When combined in the spirit of authentic inquiry and relationship, these skills deliver presence, emotional management, safety of feelings, and overall psychological health.
Here are some guidelines for mentorship within the context of trauma:
Conflict is inherent and healthy for organizations and families. Working through conflict is one of the most important (perhaps the most important) social and mentorship skill to possess. Here are a few suggestions for understanding and applying basic principles and strategies for conflict. These strategies are grouped by the depth and complexity of the conflict, from easiest to most difficult.
How to Start
Find a private space to meet. While doing this, pay attention to your own emotions and take a moment to settle down. Breathe, move your body, focus on your center (your 'gut feelings'). Try to be grounded, or as present as you can be. Work toward feeling neutral and open. Be aware of your boundaries. Notice your thoughts and try to slow them down. Try to be aware of your tendency in this kind of situation (fight, flight, freeze, orient) and try not to do it. Do not get angry, or avoid the situation. Stay neutral. Focus on containment, safety, and trust. Voluntarily suspend your judgments, beliefs, and biases (this can be especially difficult
to achieve).
What to Notice
The 'vibe' (energy) seems uncomfortable. Body language and eye contact patterns are obvious. You become aware of intensity, discomfort, isolation, etc. Conflict inevitably begins with a series of such small cues early on. Your own own habits of conflict or evasion arise. You have an emotional response to the situation, which typically includes tightening up with anxiety. Notice the signals about safety and trust (body language, verbal cues, action). Notice the reactions of the rest of the group; everyone is involved (especially those who claim not to be). Consider your actions carefully.
What to Do
Deal with the situation as soon as you receive the first cue that something is amiss. Do not wait. It will not go away, or resolve itself without your intervention. Make dedicated time to talk (about 20 minutes). Remind yourself to be open and neutral. Take a couple of deep breaths, then gently ease closer to the issue as the situation begins to feel safe. Focus on the quality of your voice and presence. Do not allow your own feelings to take control. At this stage you are simply listening, being supportive, and letting the person 'steam off.' Your own views have no place yet. Let the other person lead the conversation. Stay loose.
What to Say
Emphasize neutrality and good will:
Use metaphors. Use feeling words and empathy. Cultivate the charged hm. Let the person steam off (10 minutes, usually less).
Ask if there's more to share. Do this repeatedly, until the person has begun to relax and slow down. When there's no more, ask if the employee would be comfortable with your feedback. Be neutral, empathic, and supportive. Trust and good will are your best assets. Avoid advice. Be proactive. If appropriate, work together on solutions. (Sometimes, just talking about an issue is enough; sometimes just talking is not enough.)
How to Start
The situation seems more troubled or tense. Your previous conversation seems not to have helped. You (or others) seem to say the wrong thing. The person's activation or resistance rises.
Re-focus on yourself, your own process and reactions. Think of the principle of non-resistance, of flow. Remember that trust and safety are more powerful than authority. And remember also the basic rule of authority: you should never have to use it.
What to Notice
Your own activation begins. You easily lose your own center, and your relationship with the person is therefore compromised. Your voice tightens slightly. You find yourself getting annoyed, anxious, uncertain, frustrated. Notice your tendency, at this stage, to either avoid or
punish. Resist both. Think about how hard it is to change.
What to Do
Slow down. Return to your own center, your own feelings. Pay attention to your heart (a good general principle). Take some time for yourself to re-establish a sense of neutrality and support. Avoid judgmental or critical language. Ask yourself if this is just about the person, or also about you. Use the 'Columbo' approach (ask for assistance as a means of shouldering responsibility for the process).
What to Say
Stay collaborative. Use we instead of you.
Take ownership of part of the issue, and ask the same. Use gentle advice (be careful!). At this stage, the preservation of trust and safety is, by far, the most important theme. Good will is the only true asset that you possess; try not to squander it.
How to Start
You are stymied, frustrated, and angry. You have the impulse to distance and to punish. The relationship seems to go wrong at every turn. You begin to dislike the person, as do others. The group displays many kinds of adaptive behaviours to avoid the person. In the language of process psychology, the person becomes the shadow carrier. Notice your own reactions. Remember that the person is only partly responsible for the situation (a general rule), and that you
are also partly responsible (for not acting sooner, maybe, or for not noticing, or not being responsive enough). When situations descend to phase three, it's always a good idea to take a moment for professional development: what did I miss, how could I have improved, what must I
remember?
What to Notice
The relationship feels fraught by resistance and heaviness. You question your own ability and skill. You start to shut down emotionally, and you think of punitive measures. Resentment creeps in. You wonder what others are thinking about the situation.
What to Do
Speak the unspoken. Share your frustration honestly, privately, and with diplomacy. Do not triangulate, or blame, or take advantage of the opportunity to punish. Probably, the person is stuck in a pattern of deep difficulty, and they simply cannot get out. Try to have compassion for their situation, and try to balance this with your own needs and that of your group or family.
Be honest, clear, and direct in your communications. Do your own personal homework. Make a firm verbal contract that meets your needs. Seek appropriate assistance.
What to Say
Whenever a conflict descends to phase three, it's important to go back and ask yourself what you missed in phase one, so that you can prevent this kind of tension in the future. But even if you do prevent future tensions, recognize that conflict is fundamental to all human relationships. Our ability to deal with interpersonal conflict determines, to a large extent, our success in all relationships.
Four is an interesting number which naturally lends itself to groupings and models of themes. Here are a few:
In my work, I commonly use (arbitrary) groupings of four:
It's important to recognize that these groupings are simply models for understanding and not universal principles. At the same time, the models do reflect patterns in nature and in human behavior. For example, the groupings above (nervous system states, developmental ages, addictions, and personality challenges) can all be superimposed on one another to offer an illuminating glimpse into the patterns of human behavior. The order of each of the terms reflects the pattern of superimposition. This can be illustrated by taking the first terms in each list, like so: the theme of belonging is associated with the flight response, which predisposes toward hallucinogen use, and which promotes dissociation. The full set of patterns is outlined below.
Mentoring requires immense sensitivity and interpersonal skill. Just as a good mentor can profoundly influence a child, so can a poor one. An inappropriate mentorship experience can severely damage the psychological development of a child. Mentorship is a trust, a role that is profound and powerful. Here are a few areas in which a competent mentor will assist a child (of any age) in self-development and self-awareness through the use of judicious communication and relationship. Here are a few suggested messages, strategies, and statements, grouped by developmental age and theme (much of this material is adapted from the Bodynamic system):
Messages
Strategies
Holding, with particular emphasis on the so-called bonding point which is located between the shoulder blades, on the crest of the back. For many children, the bonding point is the location which first comes into contact with the inner surface of the womb. Gentle touch on the bonding point may promote feelings of safety and support (this is why many people instinctively touch this spot on others when showing empathy, caring or support). Creation of safe space. For fostering or adoption: secure, reliable placement. Quiet, non-intrusive atmosphere.
Messages
Strategies
Infants use as many as 150 different cries, each of which has a specific meaning, is a specific request, or represents a specific expression. Awareness of the vocabulary of this language of cries is a central task of caregivers of infants. The tendency is to interpret many cries as requests for food. Only a small number of cries derive from hunger; most involve requests for interaction, or emotional comfort, or simply for being together, which is the main ingredient of healthy dependency. (And, sometimes, babies just cry, for no apparent reason; usually in the evening, inconsolably, for durations of up to a couple of hours. This pattern is not currently understood.) Many people with unfinished imprinting from this age have chronic problems staying warm, particularly in the hands and feet. They often enjoy warm water, in hot tubs and baths.
Messages
Strategies
Cross-pattern movement: this is any type of movement that utilizes opposite sides of the body at the same time, for example the left hand and the right foot. The most common types of cross-pattern movement are crawling, walking and running. Intentional crawling (in which crawling is a game, and the adult crawls too). Nature and cultural experiences: will expand a child’s experience of the world. Physical exercise: anything with cross-patterning.
Messages
Strategies
Strong self-awareness, relaxation, and containment on the part of caregivers. Combining parental kindness with firmness. Conversations about power (physical, emotional, verbal): discuss what power is, how to use it, when to avoid using it. Wrestling (using Aikido-type principles, in which conflict is perceived as flow, or energy). Non-competitive games, or games in which success depends upon co-operation and collaboration (for example, Frizbee, tossing a ball, Lego-building).
Messages
Strategies
Conversations about sensual boundaries, safety in the community, norms and behaviors, etc. Safe romantic play.
Messages
Strategies
Strong self-awareness on the part of caregivers: differing views/opinions must be OK. Recognition that it does not matter (much) who is right; the relationship is the important thing. Encouragement of conversation, debate, dialog. Provision of educational opportunities.
Messages
Strategies
School involvement. Coaching. Support of friends and the peer group (in other words, being an involved parent or caregiver). Assistance with finding a skill at which the child excels. Assistance with the complexities of peer group relationships. Humour, playfulness, relaxation.
As a result of complexities in the modern world, the achievement of adulthood has shifted from age 19 to age 35 since the Second World War. The central task of this stage is to integrate one’s life experience, including the unresolved childhood themes, and to develop a sense of the path one will choose in life. Broadly speaking, this is consistent with what psychologists call the adult ego, or adult observing ego. This stage is the beginning of one’s life wisdom.
These are the stages of adult development:
These are complex developmental stages during which mentors are required. The role of the mentor in the life of the developing adult is to be supportive, to guide without coercion, to invite a sense of openness and possibility. But the mentor also must assist the developing person to grapple with difficult questions. Here are a few: