The essential goal of mentorship is twofold: To assist children and youth in completing the incomplete or fragmented nervous system imprinting from childhood, and to assist them in expanding their range of choice of action through recognizing and broadening nervous system habits (for example, many fighters need to learn how to freeze or flee, many freezers need to fight or flee, and many fleers need to freeze or fight.)
Flight Response Mentorship
Freeze Response Mentorship
Orienting Response Mentorship
Fight Response Mentorship
Psychological Mentorship
Working on the psychological level, a good mentor helps the adolescent to explore such themes as:
Therapeutic Mentorship
Social services practitioners, teachers, coaches, and others often fulfil mentorship roles. For adolescents, such mentorship requires the following types of communication from the mentor:
An argument can be made that most psychological difficulties and many disabilities are caused by, or associated with, trauma (addictions are probably the best example, with depression a close second). An effective mentor must be aware of this and respond appropriately.
Trauma occurs when stress exceeds an individual’s containment capacity. Physiological (i.e. emotional) energy breaks through the emotional containment of the self and splits off to create what is sometimes called the trauma vortex(a kind of swirling mass of emotional chaos). Incomplete responses to the traumatic situation (fight, flee, freeze, orient) are locked in the trauma vortex and contribute to the continued erosion of containment. Subsequent traumas are evoked by and contribute to these frozen response patterns.
In the work of trauma healing, energy is slowly reclaimed from the trauma vortex and reintroduced to a newly-stabilized container (by way of careful titration). This requires the completion of locked response patterns and the development of new adaptations for dealing with similarly stressful situations. This sequence follows the evolutionary imperative toward healing.
Healthy containment involves the development of core relational, consciousness, and body awareness skills. These include grounding, centering, and boundaries. When combined in the spirit of authentic inquiry and relationship, these skills deliver presence, emotional management, safety of feelings, and overall psychological health.
Here are some guidelines for mentorship within the context of trauma:
Conflict is inherent and healthy for organizations and families. Working through conflict is one of the most important (perhaps the most important) social and mentorship skill to possess. Here are a few suggestions for understanding and applying basic principles and strategies for conflict. These strategies are grouped by the depth and complexity of the conflict, from easiest to most difficult.
How to Start
Find a private space to meet. While doing this, pay attention to your own emotions and take a moment to settle down. Breathe, move your body, focus on your center (your 'gut feelings'). Try to be grounded, or as present as you can be. Work toward feeling neutral and open. Be aware of your boundaries. Notice your thoughts and try to slow them down. Try to be aware of your tendency in this kind of situation (fight, flight, freeze, orient) and try not to do it. Do not get angry, or avoid the situation. Stay neutral. Focus on containment, safety, and trust. Voluntarily suspend your judgments, beliefs, and biases (this can be especially difficult
to achieve).
What to Notice
The 'vibe' (energy) seems uncomfortable. Body language and eye contact patterns are obvious. You become aware of intensity, discomfort, isolation, etc. Conflict inevitably begins with a series of such small cues early on. Your own own habits of conflict or evasion arise. You have an emotional response to the situation, which typically includes tightening up with anxiety. Notice the signals about safety and trust (body language, verbal cues, action). Notice the reactions of the rest of the group; everyone is involved (especially those who claim not to be). Consider your actions carefully.
What to Do
Deal with the situation as soon as you receive the first cue that something is amiss. Do not wait. It will not go away, or resolve itself without your intervention. Make dedicated time to talk (about 20 minutes). Remind yourself to be open and neutral. Take a couple of deep breaths, then gently ease closer to the issue as the situation begins to feel safe. Focus on the quality of your voice and presence. Do not allow your own feelings to take control. At this stage you are simply listening, being supportive, and letting the person 'steam off.' Your own views have no place yet. Let the other person lead the conversation. Stay loose.
What to Say
Emphasize neutrality and good will:
Use metaphors. Use feeling words and empathy. Cultivate the charged hm. Let the person steam off (10 minutes, usually less).
Ask if there's more to share. Do this repeatedly, until the person has begun to relax and slow down. When there's no more, ask if the employee would be comfortable with your feedback. Be neutral, empathic, and supportive. Trust and good will are your best assets. Avoid advice. Be proactive. If appropriate, work together on solutions. (Sometimes, just talking about an issue is enough; sometimes just talking is not enough.)
How to Start
The situation seems more troubled or tense. Your previous conversation seems not to have helped. You (or others) seem to say the wrong thing. The person's activation or resistance rises.
Re-focus on yourself, your own process and reactions. Think of the principle of non-resistance, of flow. Remember that trust and safety are more powerful than authority. And remember also the basic rule of authority: you should never have to use it.
What to Notice
Your own activation begins. You easily lose your own center, and your relationship with the person is therefore compromised. Your voice tightens slightly. You find yourself getting annoyed, anxious, uncertain, frustrated. Notice your tendency, at this stage, to either avoid or
punish. Resist both. Think about how hard it is to change.
What to Do
Slow down. Return to your own center, your own feelings. Pay attention to your heart (a good general principle). Take some time for yourself to re-establish a sense of neutrality and support. Avoid judgmental or critical language. Ask yourself if this is just about the person, or also about you. Use the 'Columbo' approach (ask for assistance as a means of shouldering responsibility for the process).
What to Say
Stay collaborative. Use we instead of you.
Take ownership of part of the issue, and ask the same. Use gentle advice (be careful!). At this stage, the preservation of trust and safety is, by far, the most important theme. Good will is the only true asset that you possess; try not to squander it.
How to Start
You are stymied, frustrated, and angry. You have the impulse to distance and to punish. The relationship seems to go wrong at every turn. You begin to dislike the person, as do others. The group displays many kinds of adaptive behaviours to avoid the person. In the language of process psychology, the person becomes the shadow carrier. Notice your own reactions. Remember that the person is only partly responsible for the situation (a general rule), and that you
are also partly responsible (for not acting sooner, maybe, or for not noticing, or not being responsive enough). When situations descend to phase three, it's always a good idea to take a moment for professional development: what did I miss, how could I have improved, what must I
remember?
What to Notice
The relationship feels fraught by resistance and heaviness. You question your own ability and skill. You start to shut down emotionally, and you think of punitive measures. Resentment creeps in. You wonder what others are thinking about the situation.
What to Do
Speak the unspoken. Share your frustration honestly, privately, and with diplomacy. Do not triangulate, or blame, or take advantage of the opportunity to punish. Probably, the person is stuck in a pattern of deep difficulty, and they simply cannot get out. Try to have compassion for their situation, and try to balance this with your own needs and that of your group or family.
Be honest, clear, and direct in your communications. Do your own personal homework. Make a firm verbal contract that meets your needs. Seek appropriate assistance.
What to Say
Whenever a conflict descends to phase three, it's important to go back and ask yourself what you missed in phase one, so that you can prevent this kind of tension in the future. But even if you do prevent future tensions, recognize that conflict is fundamental to all human relationships. Our ability to deal with interpersonal conflict determines, to a large extent, our success in all relationships.
Four is an interesting number which naturally lends itself to groupings and models of themes. Here are a few:
In my work, I commonly use (arbitrary) groupings of four:
It's important to recognize that these groupings are simply models for understanding and not universal principles. At the same time, the models do reflect patterns in nature and in human behavior. For example, the groupings above (nervous system states, developmental ages, addictions, and personality challenges) can all be superimposed on one another to offer an illuminating glimpse into the patterns of human behavior. The order of each of the terms reflects the pattern of superimposition. This can be illustrated by taking the first terms in each list, like so: the theme of belonging is associated with the flight response, which predisposes toward hallucinogen use, and which promotes dissociation. The full set of patterns is outlined below.
Mentoring requires immense sensitivity and interpersonal skill. Just as a good mentor can profoundly influence a child, so can a poor one. An inappropriate mentorship experience can severely damage the psychological development of a child. Mentorship is a trust, a role that is profound and powerful. Here are a few areas in which a competent mentor will assist a child (of any age) in self-development and self-awareness through the use of judicious communication and relationship. Here are a few suggested messages, strategies, and statements, grouped by developmental age and theme (much of this material is adapted from the Bodynamic system):
Messages
Strategies
Holding, with particular emphasis on the so-called bonding point which is located between the shoulder blades, on the crest of the back. For many children, the bonding point is the location which first comes into contact with the inner surface of the womb. Gentle touch on the bonding point may promote feelings of safety and support (this is why many people instinctively touch this spot on others when showing empathy, caring or support). Creation of safe space. For fostering or adoption: secure, reliable placement. Quiet, non-intrusive atmosphere.
Messages
Strategies
Infants use as many as 150 different cries, each of which has a specific meaning, is a specific request, or represents a specific expression. Awareness of the vocabulary of this language of cries is a central task of caregivers of infants. The tendency is to interpret many cries as requests for food. Only a small number of cries derive from hunger; most involve requests for interaction, or emotional comfort, or simply for being together, which is the main ingredient of healthy dependency. (And, sometimes, babies just cry, for no apparent reason; usually in the evening, inconsolably, for durations of up to a couple of hours. This pattern is not currently understood.) Many people with unfinished imprinting from this age have chronic problems staying warm, particularly in the hands and feet. They often enjoy warm water, in hot tubs and baths.
Messages
Strategies
Cross-pattern movement: this is any type of movement that utilizes opposite sides of the body at the same time, for example the left hand and the right foot. The most common types of cross-pattern movement are crawling, walking and running. Intentional crawling (in which crawling is a game, and the adult crawls too). Nature and cultural experiences: will expand a child’s experience of the world. Physical exercise: anything with cross-patterning.
Messages
Strategies
Strong self-awareness, relaxation, and containment on the part of caregivers. Combining parental kindness with firmness. Conversations about power (physical, emotional, verbal): discuss what power is, how to use it, when to avoid using it. Wrestling (using Aikido-type principles, in which conflict is perceived as flow, or energy). Non-competitive games, or games in which success depends upon co-operation and collaboration (for example, Frizbee, tossing a ball, Lego-building).
Messages
Strategies
Conversations about sensual boundaries, safety in the community, norms and behaviors, etc. Safe romantic play.
Messages
Strategies
Strong self-awareness on the part of caregivers: differing views/opinions must be OK. Recognition that it does not matter (much) who is right; the relationship is the important thing. Encouragement of conversation, debate, dialog. Provision of educational opportunities.
Messages
Strategies
School involvement. Coaching. Support of friends and the peer group (in other words, being an involved parent or caregiver). Assistance with finding a skill at which the child excels. Assistance with the complexities of peer group relationships. Humour, playfulness, relaxation.
As a result of complexities in the modern world, the achievement of adulthood has shifted from age 19 to age 35 since the Second World War. The central task of this stage is to integrate one’s life experience, including the unresolved childhood themes, and to develop a sense of the path one will choose in life. Broadly speaking, this is consistent with what psychologists call the adult ego, or adult observing ego. This stage is the beginning of one’s life wisdom.
These are the stages of adult development:
These are complex developmental stages during which mentors are required. The role of the mentor in the life of the developing adult is to be supportive, to guide without coercion, to invite a sense of openness and possibility. But the mentor also must assist the developing person to grapple with difficult questions. Here are a few: