Early in their lives, from about birth to age twelve, children pass through roughly seven stages of development. These stages have to do with themes such as belonging, trust, safety, empowerment, self-expression, and so on. Typically, some of these stages go well for the child whereas others are more difficult. If a given stage is difficult, the child may not fully learn the psychological tasks of that stage. For example, a child who experiences significant illness in the first year of life is more likely to feel anxiety about need fulfillment than another child who does not have the same experience. (This is because need fulfillment is the theme of roughly the first year, and problems during that year tend to impact that particular theme.)

Everyone is shaped by these developmental stages. In fact, these stages are the single most important factor in determining a person’s character. This is the essential basis of modern psychology, and it’s an idea supported by enough research – a mountain of research – as to be beyond dispute. Essentially, our basic character is formed by the time we are four years old. But our childhood development never unfolds perfectly. Everyone undergoes developmental themes that are less than ideal. When this happens, the child gets through the stage and moves on to the next one. The stage is left unfinished and the theme is incomplete. Children cannot afford to get stuck in one stage too long, so they leave unfinished themes behind and try to catch up with them later.

Adolescence (which now spans from about age 9 to about age 32) is the developmental phase of catching up with and resolving unfinished themes. Starting around age nine – with a process known as brain pruning – children begin to revisit the unfinished themes of their earlier development. (They do this unconsciously, but it manifests as rapid mood cycling.) Because their parents typically are too invested in the child’s future and too biased toward particular outcomes, children often find that their parents are not so good at supporting them through this stage. So, children seek mentors.

A mentor is someone who can assist a child to complete their unfinished childhood themes and to further develop their character. After parenting, it is the most important role a human being can undertake (despite the low status it earns). A good mentor encourages a child to feel safe, to take appropriate risks, to express whatever remains unexpressed. Mentorship does not have to be a long-term intervention. A child can undergo a transformative experience in a single meeting with a good mentor. One outstanding experience is enough to complete the learning for an entire unfinished developmental stage.

Mentoring requires immense sensitivity and interpersonal skill. Just as a good mentor can profoundly influence a child, so can a poor one. An inappropriate mentorship experience can severely damage the psychological development of a child. Mentorship is a trust, a role that is profound and powerful.